Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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