Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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