direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
