As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
