I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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