I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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