Don't make out with my wife yet
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
