So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
