Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
