we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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