i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
