Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
