come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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