Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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