At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
