Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
