you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
