This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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