look no pants
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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