So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
