I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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