But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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