so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
