On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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