Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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