Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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