the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize