How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
