booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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