Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize