cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
