somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
