my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize