and you said cock pushups were impossible
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
