You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
