If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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