jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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