Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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