So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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