Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Terrible idea I love it
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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