OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
