He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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