It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
