was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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