My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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