I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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