Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
