Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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