Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
