Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Randomize
