She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How naked do you want me to be?
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