My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
