the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
