I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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