i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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