you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize