You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
