the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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