Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
