apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All I want is dick and wine.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
