Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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