is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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