I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
