I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
